There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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