Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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