If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
