Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
