Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
