my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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