I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
