The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
