At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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