I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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