my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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