dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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