Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
