woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
