once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just blew my weed a kiss
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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