Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
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I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.