I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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