My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't deserve a penis
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
