She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
