I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
