If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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