if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
