i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
there is glitter all over my balls
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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