I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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