I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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