I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
