I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
