Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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