this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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