I was born with a shot glass in my hand
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
