paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
pray to the hookup gods
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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