I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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