you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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