i need an iv and a liver transplant
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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