I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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