So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
