i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
