it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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