Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
