I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Vodka?
Forever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
