my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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