Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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