Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
