I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
