I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
