tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
