life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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