I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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