Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
