Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
