We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
