im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
