Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
