I think I am morally bankrupt
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
