Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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