My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
