Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
