Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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